Holidays

Really enjoyed the 2 months break especially this week's! It was really eventful. Having 2 beach competitions on 2 continuous weekends is SOMETHING. I didn't win anything for this competition but I was really glad that I get to play with Sheila for the competition just yesterday! :) It was fun.
Went to USS with volleyballers and I really enjoyed it! (Even though most of my embarrassing moments were exposed).
This holiday, I experienced many NEW things. And by 'new' I meant things that I would never picture myself doing them! Haha and I feel dumb doing them.


-----------------------

I know that it isn't intentional but I can't help but feel sad and I can't blame anyone but myself. I guess? I mean.. I shouldn't be angry since there wasn't any reason to be angry in the first place. The whole thing was just me being ridiculous. I shouldn't be making a mountain out of a mole hill. Truth is... I want to blame it on someone but no one is to blame but myself. I know that! And that's the sad thing.





SCHOOL IS STARTING TOMORROW! :(

"You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the past, the present and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.

After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

That’s what I believe."

It's a quote from Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life

What comes next?

It's going to be a long and draggy post. Ignore it if you want :) 

It's the time of my life again when I feel super uninterested in things and people. I don't know why this happens sometimes but I love it. Not being able to feel anything about everything seems kinda heavenly if you were in my place. I'm not saying that my life sucks, it's just that sometimes people just get carried away and forget that sometimes I, too, get offended by some words even though I seem nonchalant about negative comments for most of the time.

This week has been tough. I was down with fever, flu, cough and constant stomach pains and I have no idea what is causing it. It has been at least 4 days and I am going to consult a doctor tomorrow since I'm starting to get pretty paranoid about it.


I skipped beach training today again because of my flu, but I had to lie to the coach that I am still down with the fever because I thought that if I was in his shoes and some player told him that she has the fever and the next training she was down with the flu.. it sounds kinda fake and excuse-ish like? So...  guess this lie is acceptable right? :/
Anyway, about that... Coach just sent me a text that said something like 'how are you going to compete if you never train?'. This wasn't the shocking part. The shocking part was that..... I didn't feel anything. Usually when I see the word 'compete', I will feel a sudden burst of energy and start to do some PTs and stuffs. But this time it was different. I actually questioned myself 'why did I join?', 'why am I doing this?' and 'do I love this sport?'. And my answers to those questions were 'I DON'T KNOW'.
Ok, it may seem kind of dramatic from some outsiders perspective but this is a big issue for me!! I think I am losing interest in the only thing that I WAS certain that I enjoyed doing. I mean... what if I entirely lost my interest towards this game? What is going to be my next interest then? What comes next?

"What comes next?" has always been the question that I haven't been able to answer since I was young. Majority of my decision were made by my parents (Eg: Going into Dunman sec, taking up violin lessons, etc)  it's that or they were simply accidental, wrong or regretful. Making decisions wasn't really my forte it was the kind of thing that I usually stay clear from unless it's really necessary. But even then, till now... none of the decisions that I've made was ever right.

Everybody seems certain about at least something in their life but me. I feel like I have no aims, directions and my own stand. And it's getting frustrating.

The second thing that frustrates me is my inability to share things with others. People share their secrets and things that they don't want it to be public but I don't. I really want to but something inside of me in holding it back.

The last thing that frustrates me is when people are being too nice to me. When they are doing that, the first word that comes to my mind is 'distance'.

That's all! Whattttta LOOOOONG post. These are some of the frustrations that I've been feeling throughout my life and idk why I'm sharing this here though. Maybe the thought of having strangers reading my post and my frustrations are better than telling someone about this? Idk? I just want someone to see this and I wouldn't  have to worry about a thing since well, none of my friends would probably read this. (I guess)
Gdnighttttt :)

Stealing

Sooooo addicted to this song! Love all his songs in this album <3